to say we’ve never thought about ourselves dying is probably a lie. we’ve all had a moment where we wondered, perhaps out of outrage or pure curiosity, how life would be like without us. if you’ve read this far, then i should probably go ahead and tell you i’m not planning on killing myself or anything like that. just going along one of my crazy train of thoughts and seeing where it leads.
moving on, there have been times when i’ve been frustrated enough and thought about ending it all. but really where would that get me? no where really. maybe in a box 6 feet under, or in an urn for someone to lug around for their remaining days. really it’d be quite burdensome for someone to bother with my premature departure. but it does lead one to wonder how would my death or anyone else’s for that matter be perceived?
if i died in some horrible accident, would someone say “he was such a good person, he will be missed.” or if i was murdered or gunned down, would someone share at my funeral: “he was taken before his prime and there was so much he had to offer the world. so much good in him.” perhaps if i just cowarded out and ended it myself, would people gossip: “i always sensed he had a hidden darkness…”
really as i grow older and interact with people more and more, i observe the social trend. it’s quite a shame that people would egg on someone to commit suicide in a video chat room instead of urging them to get proper help. things like that bring me to this subject. it seems as we progress we become less concerned about the value of human life. sure there are some bleeding hearts still out there, but for the most part we just stand. and watch. and finally walk away. quite disheartening if you ask me…but you didn’t did you? silly me.
i’ve imagined my death. i’ve imagined the faces of my beloved friends, my closest family and my most hated enemies. would the people who hated me the most suddenly have a change of heart? the venom that would spit from their lips when ever they uttered my name turn into sweet words of kindness all because i was nevermore? funny thing about death it turns idiots into geniuses and monsters into gods. are you still reading? good.
don’t worry i’ll end this soon and you can get back to failblog.org or youtube.com or your facebook poke war. one last point i’d like to make: in the grand scheme of things what legacy can i/will i leave behind? really my time here is just a blink in father time’s eye. i can only hope one day i can make a difference. perhaps write a book that will inspire others, or direct a movie that will win an oscar and go down in film history. or write an album that brings on world peace. or maybe teach my son to be a good man. or hold my daughter’s hand when i walk her down the isle. tell my wife/girlfriend i love her every night even if she’s furious with me. a legacy is what others perceive it to be. what is yours?
if you read this entire thing and it made you stop and think for even a second, then i thank you. again i should mention this is just me writing without much pause or regard for the words i’m putting down. just letting the words flow as organically as i can in the hopes of getting a point across. and to reiterate even further, i am not suicidal and do not plan on killing myself anytime soon. in fact, i seem to be quite chipper as of late. you should try it some time. it’s a blast.
